I watched the movie Donnie Darko yesterday, which is a really good movie by the way and I suggest you to watch it too, if you haven’t already. There was a motivational speaker character in the movie called Jim Cunningham, who was talking about two main forces in life: Fear and Love. We were going to find out later in the movie that this guy was a pedophile (sorry for the spoiler) and a joke in every possible way, but still there was something in his teachings that got me thinking about how big impact fear actually has in our lives.
Most people are guided through their lives by their own fears and almost everything they do or decide not to do is based on their own fears. Many people for example are afraid of doing something that might make them famous and change their lives, and even more people are afraid of quitting their day job that they hate and starting to follow their own dreams. After all, it is quite frightening that you never know what people might think about it and you can never be sure that you won’t fail.
It is very obvious that most of our fears are not based on reality. Maybe it was good for our survival in the caveman-era to be afraid of everything unknown – it kept us alive back then. But in the present society we don’t have to be afraid of tigers that are going to eat us alive if we go out for a walk or someone beating us to death because we entered a wrong territory. We are too afraid of things that really won’t kill us if something goes wrong and one thing that is in common with all the successful people is that they all have the habit of being courageous and they know that their fears are limiting, so they know how to overcome their fears constantly. Actually they see their fears and other obstacles and setbacks in life as growing opportunities and nice challenges that make their lives worth living.
It is the emotion of fear, rather than the reality of what we fear, that causes anxiety, stress and unhappiness. If we can develop the habit of overcoming our fears and developing really good self-confidence, the whole world will open to us. We will find out that there is almost nothing in this whole world that we cannot achieve if we really want to and are willing to commit to it. We can accomplish anything that we dream of if we are not afraid of anything.
The best thing about courage is that it can be learned, just like any other skill. It takes time and forces us to systematically diminish and eradicate our fears, while at the same time building self-confidence and courage that will enable us to face all the ups and downs of life without giving up.
Find the Root Source of Your Fears
The first step of changing our mindsets is to find out what is the root source of our fears. In my opinion the main cause is our childhood and the social conditioning during those years. We learned to be afraid of failure and rejection. The whole school system and the social patterns in school are built on these ideas. When all our thoughts are based on those fears, we become preoccupied with the idea of losing our money, time, or emotional investment in a relationship. We also become hypersensitive to the opinions and the criticism of other people. For many people, the worst thing that could happen in life seems to be negative opinions of other people and that’s why so many people feel insecure and are ready to sacrifice their lives just in order to look great outside: They have a career, a new car and a nice house, so they fit in the system well. It doesn’t even matter if they have awful lot of debt that makes them slaves for the banking system, because debt is something that your neighbors can’t see.
At this point, the fears are paralyzing, and we are afraid of doing anything that anyone else might disapprove of. Then, it is impossible to take the needed action to take the right direction of our dreams, goals and real needs. All we can think of in the state of frustration is “I have to, but I can’t”.
Another factor causing fear is the lack of knowledge. If we don’t know enough about something, it makes us feel insecure about the outcome of our actions. We are afraid of change and the unknown, and that makes us avoid trying anything new or different. The good thing is that by gathering more information about a particular subject, we are able to overcome our fears much more easily and we can find confidence in that area.
Define Your Own Fears.
The second step in overcoming your fears is to define them. You have to know what they exactly are before you can start diminishing them. Write down in a piece of paper all the things that you are afraid of. Remember that it is totally normal for everyone to be afraid of something. Even the most successful people in the world are afraid of lots of things, but they just know how to deal with the fears. Courage is not the absence of fear – it is the resistance to fear and mastery of fear. The courageous person is someone who just goes on in spite of the fear. Confronting your fears is the best way of increasing self-esteem and self-confidence, and it should be your habit to go towards fears and see the opportunity to grow as a person.
Write down every major and minor fear that you have and over which you experience anxiety. Be very specific of the situations that you experience fear at. It is common for people compelled by the fear of failure to be very obsessed with what other people think about them that they are not able to take independent action unless they are absolutely positive that someone else will approve. They can invest so much energy on just covering up their mistakes or justifying them.
Once you have written down the list of all the fears that might be affecting your thinking and behavior, sort them according to their importance. The fear that holds you back the most should be the number one on your list and so on. Analyze your fears further by answering these questions regarding each of your fears:
1. How does this fear hold me back in life?
2. Does this fear help me in some way?
3. How would my life get better by eliminating this fear?
I have analyzed my own personal fears during the last years and it is not easy to admit how many limiting fears and beliefs I have had and still have. My own biggest fear is the fear of failure that has made me incapable of taking risks in life. I have been quite concerned of what people think about me, which has affected my earlier career choice and prevented me from doing the things I love the most. Deep down I have always known that I should not be taking the average path in life, but instead of that focus on creating something valuable on my own which is aligned with my own passions. I could not find any real positive sides of being afraid to show the world my real personality, and living exactly the way I want to live, without caring about other people’s opinions.
I have always known and seen with my own eyes that people who are able to overcome their fear of failure and start taking risks in life, are almost always happier and more successful than the rest, but I just could not do anything about myself. By objectively analyzing the fears and consistently working on overcoming them in small steps has made me so much more confident and I am now on my way of pursuing my own dreams, little by little. Some days the fears are still there, but I am more able to silent them. I can think logically and convince myself not to listen to my fears anymore.
The biggest and most important step is the beginning of any new thing, such as a new business. The hurdle seems so big at first, but overcoming that fear and just starting is usually the most crucial thing in order to get things flowing. You must accept that everything cannot be planned ahead, but also remember that you are an intelligent human being who will be able to find solutions to every problem that may arise, sooner or later. However, it is of course very useful to prepare thoroughly in advance, by setting clear goals and then gathering as much information as possible. After doing enough research, you should write out detailed plans of action, and just take the first step without thinking too much.
Many people get into this point of a new idea in their lives and start doing something they really want to, but they end up giving up too soon, if the rewards are not there in the first six months. Remember that people overestimate what they can achieve in one year, but underestimate what they can accomplish in five years. The second type of courage is to be persistent and stay at what you doing once you have begun. This separates the winners from the losers and is one of the rarest types of courage. I personally think it this way: The only way to lose is to give up. If I continue pursuing my dream, work hard, and constantly try to find new ways of succeeding if what I tried before doesn’t work – eventually I will succeed for sure. All that matters is that I don’t give up when I face disappointments and unexpected setbacks.
Third type of courage is to get over worrying. When we worry about things that might happen, our minds are suffering, even if those tragedies would never happen. Most of the things that we worry about never actually happen, so it is very useful to overcome worrying as soon as possible. The best antidote to worrying is action, and when we work hard everyday to move just a little bit closer to our goals, we don’t have time to worry too much and the satisfaction of getting things done overrides all the worries.
Overcoming fears is one of the most important prerequisites for a happy and successful life, so the habit of overcoming fears and finding courage is the real key to happiness. When we are able to act regardless of our fears, there are no limits in the world for what we can achieve. That enlightenment only will make our lives worth living.
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