(1) Aggressive: Donald Duck, (2) Passive: Goofy, and (3) Assertive: Mickey Mouse
What Does Being Assertive Mean?
An assertive person is able to express one’s feelings and assert one’s rights without being rude. Assertive communication means that a person respects the rights and feelings of other people but still is direct and honest, clarifying one’s needs to others. Some people are naturally assertive, but many of us are not and it is something that I think we all should learn because the skill of assertiveness helps us greatly reduce the level of interpersonal conflict in our lives which helps us to avoid a remarkable source of stress.
What makes assertiveness different from aggressiveness that people sometimes confuses assertiveness with is that while both behavior types involve expressing needs and standing up for one’s rights, an assertive person expresses oneself in ways that respect the other person whereas an aggressive person might use tactics that are abusive, manipulative and disrespectful. Aggressive persons often have negative assumptions about other people and their motives if they think about the other person’s point of view at all, while an assertive person assumes only the best about other people and tries to find a win-win situation for all the parties by compromising.
The third type, passiveness, makes people incapable of communicating their needs and feelings to other people by fearing conflict too much and letting their needs go unmet. If a person keeps one’s own feelings secret just to avoid a conflict, one lets others win all the time while personally losing out. This kind of behavior is not actually beneficial for anyone.
Examples of Different Behavior Types
One good example of a scenario in which there are several behavior possibilities is a situation where you are standing in a waiting line to get into a restaurant and someone cuts in front of you. An aggressive response would be to shout something like “Hey asshole, go to the end of the line!” whereas the passive person would say nothing and just let the guy stay in front of him. An assertive person would response by saying politely something like “Excuse me, but I was in the line before you.”
Another example is the scenario when you are very busy in the workplace and one of your friends calls you to talk about her relationship problems. The aggressive response would be something like “I’m working and I don’t have time right now for any relationship problems!” whereas the passive response would be to just listen to her whining for one hour letting your schedule to suffer. An assertive way of dealing the situation would be to listen to her for a while and then respond politely: “Oh, it seems that you have a bad situation going on. I’d really like to talk with you about this more but I have a lot of work to do right now. Can we talk about this later tonight?”
Why Should I Be Assertive?
Assertive people have generally better odds of succeeding in life and in their relationships. They have less stress because they get their needs met and they have more supportive relationships and people that they can count on. People want to spend more time with persons that are polite but still address their own needs. Rude and aggressive people don’t usually attract a lot of good relationships or social support so the most aggressive persons usually end up being relatively alone. The sad thing about this is that they don’t usually realize that it is their own behavior that causes the situation, but just see themselves as victims. Passive people make their lives worse because they often don’t get their own needs met and sometimes they also damage their own relationships by avoiding confrontation very long and when they finally say something, it comes out in a very aggressive way. This is never a good thing for relationships and it usually leads to even more passivity.
If you are not sure if you are an assertive person or not, think about for example if you find yourself often agreeing with people even if you wouldn’t really want to or if you have problems accepting constructive criticism? If you feel like you could be more assertive, here are some good basic points to keep in mind in order to learn assertiveness skills:
- Know yourself and your beliefs better. You must know what your values are in order to behave accordingly. Value yourself and recognize that you have the right to have your wants and needs met.
- Learn to say “no”. It is your right to say “no” if someone is asking you to do something that you don’t want to do at that time.
- Value other people, too, and remember that other people have the same rights as you do and they have their own needs as well.
- Deal with difficult situations right away and don’t let them become a bigger crisis. It is much easier to act earlier than to wait and make matters worse.
- Make sure that your body reflects confidence by standing up straight, speaking in a firm but pleasant tone, being relaxed and looking people in the eye.
- When you are in a discussion, remember to listen and ask questions to understand the other person’s point of view, too. After that, always try to find win-win situations and compromises so that both parties will get their needs met.
Understanding the concept of assertiveness and how it affects your life is a good way to start making more friends and meaningful long-lasting relationships. It will take some time to change the old habits but it is definitely worth it to start learning the new conversational skills already today. Analyze the discussions you have with other people every day and change your way of dealing with different situations one conversation at the time until it comes to you naturally – your life will be a lot happier in the long run.
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